It has been a few days since I last wrote. We went to Mexico for 5 days and it was amazing. It was wonderful just to relax and remember why I got married in the first place..but today well that is another story. It is not Scott, it is that I do not feel good and have no energy for anything. It scares me that I will be like this with the baby...easy frustrated..just like I get with my dogs. Today I feel like crying and screaming at the same time and running away to Fiji to live alone on an island with nobody else. Today I feel like I just cannot handle things or emotions or myself. Scott told me he was going running at 6 pm and I wanted to strangle him. Why do I feel this way? Could it be hormones? Because last night I cried at every movie and today I am so pissed off. I feel today, as I have before during this pregnancy, that this is not my life anymore. I feel like I do not have any right or decsions. I feel like I can't breathe. I felt this way about 2 months ago. It must be hormones but for now..breathing and thinking good thoughts is not helping. I can even feel the tears now but then why do I not want to reach out to anyone? Why do I want to be alone? Why do I want to get in the car and drive to the shore and just look at the ocean?
Today I need a boat, some scuba gear, some clothes, suntan lotion and a good crew and then I can go away. Maybe Friday will be better.
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